I KILLED HERCULE POIROT 1 | Poeżija Maltija

I KILLED HERCULE POIROT ACT 1

A Comedy Thriller in 2 Acts

SYNOPSIS

Hercule Poirot, the famous Belgian detective, has been murdered, and Inspector Christie hopes to find out who killed him. There seems to be no shortage of suspects.

But when one of them steps forward to confess to the murder, Inspector Christie is confident that the case is closed.

CHARACTERS

Inspector Agatha Christie

He has never been known for his modesty, but with such success in his career, he is quite justified in his opinion: All out of l2 cases solved! He likes satisfying his ego and confirming to all that he is "the greatest mind in the world." He is in his 50s.

Miss Felicity Lemon

Poirot's secretary, Miss Felicity Lemon, has few human

weaknesses, but she is an expert on nearly everything. Secretly, she is head over heels in love with Poirot. In her 30s.

Captain Arthur Hastings

He represents the traditional English gentleman — not too bright but scrupulous, a throwback to the Victorian-era gentleman

who is always concerned about "fair play. In his 30s.

Inspector James Japp

While being a competent detective, he is no match for Poirot; he frequently finds himself a step behind the great detective, which annoys him and makes him very jealous of him. In his 50s

Miss Ariadne Oliver

Through her knowledge of the criminal mind, she writes mystery books and often claims to be endowed with particular "feminine intuition," but it usually leads her astray. In her 40s

Mrs Prudence (Tuppence) Cowley

The young twenty-something married Tommy, and they devise a new strategy to make money together. They became private detectives. She's very polite and posh. In her 20s

Miss Jane Marple

An elderly spinster who acts as an amateur detective lives in the village of St. Mary Mead. She's very shrewd, intelligent and very meddlesome. She pries, interferes and is very curious. She usually gets up the nose of the detectives in charge of the investigations. She's in her 60s.

SCENERY

The office parlour of Mr. Hercule poirot. It is a large room and very well furnished. There is a door right that leads to Miss Felicity Lemon's office. Two doors to the centre, one leading into the hall and the main door of the flat, and the other door with a bolt-on lead to an adjoining flat belonging to Captain Arthur Hastings. Down left is a window that overlooks the street below.)

TIME

The Late Thirties

ACT ONE

(MORNING. It is Mr Hercule Poirot's office and living room. Standing is Inspector Christie, and Miss Lemon is sitting. Poirot‘s chair is empty now.)

LEMON

I had the shock of my life. I came in early, as usual, prepared his Tisane, and he sat there. (Pointing) I thought he slept on it and never went to bed last night. I know it is not like him, but strange things have happened. So, I went close to him and shook his shoulders to wake him up, but when his head moved sideways, he had a bullet in his head. In my opinion, Inspector, this is what killed him. Why did he shoot himself, Inspector?

CHRISTIE

I'm afraid he didn't shoot himself; someone else did that for him.

LEMON

(Shocked) Murdered? Who would do such a thing like that?

CHRISTIE

I want to find out. Dear Miss Lemon, tell me a little about your employer, including his previous addresses, references, business associates, friends, etc.

LEMON

(Wipes her eyes) Yes, inspector, I will tell you what I can, but I'm afraid I don't know a lot about Mr Poirot's habits and friends. You know what I mean? As far as I know, he had no enemies except.......

CHRISTIE

Except what?

LEMON

Except maybe those criminals whom he has put in jail.

CHRISTIE

Oh yes, I know exactly what you mean. I know you were pretty shocked, Miss Lemon. I try not to upset you anymore.

LEMON

It’s all right, Inspector. Please feel free, as nothing can upset me anymore.

CHRISTIE

Good, very good. (Suspiciously) Why not?

LEMON

(Cheery) I have been involved in so many murders and robberies and whatnot. It is nothing new to me. And I don't want to lose my job because somebody killed my employer.

CHRISTIE

Without him, there is no employment for you. It is good that you're not upset any more, and you probably already know the kind of questions I'm going to ask you. Now then……

LEMON

When did I last see the deceased alive? Did I notice anything unusual? Who were his friends? Did I ever hear him arguing?

CHRISTIE

Well, yes, let's start with those.

LEMON

Well, let me see. The last time I saw him was yesterday evening. When I left and arrived home, I couldn't go in because, for some reason, I had taken the keys out of my bag at my office and left them there. So I had to come all the way back from Wimbledon. When I arrived, he was still here with Captain Hastings.

CHRISTIE

Captain Arthur Hastings?

LEMON

Yes, that's right. They were arguing a bit.

CHRISTI

Arguing?

LEMON

Yes, Captain Hastings had booked their weekend holiday in a golf resort, and Mr Poirot hates golf. Am I going too fast for you?

CHRISTIE

Oh no, no, no, carry on. You're doing quite well.

LEMON

As for his friends, as I told you, I don't know much about them except for Inspector Jabb of Scotland Yard. Come to think of it, how come he's not investigating the murder himself? Mr Poirot would have liked that.

CHRISTIE

Well, he's stuck with me now. Tell me, Miss Lemon, (Showing her a gun) have you ever seen this before?

LEMON

Yes, it's his gun. He usually keeps it on his desk.

CHRISTIE

When you came in this morning and found him, did you notice a cartridge case by chance on the floor anywhere?

LEMON

No, I didn't. Can I get on with my files now? It's getting terribly late.

CHRISTIE

No, you cannot touch anything yet.

LEMON

Don't touch anything. Why? They're my files, and I won't let anyone touch them because they could disrupt my system.

CHRISTIE

Miss Lemon, may I remind you that a murder has been committed, and everything and everyone must be scrutinised accordingly.

LEMON

But, but Inspector...…

CHRISTIE

Anyway, you'll soon find out that your previous employer's methods don't apply to my investigations. I am modernised.

LEMON

Good for you, Inspector.

CHRISTIE

Yes, it is. I have a good record so far. Twelve murders and eleven convictions. How about that?

LEMON

What happened to the other one?

CHRISTIE

Let's continue and see what we've got. (Takes his notebook out and flips some paper over) According to forensics, the murder took place between midnight and 2 am. The cause of death: a gunshot wound in the temple from close range. The gun was found beside him, and his wallet was found a few feet away with two fingerprints on it.

LEMO

That was very obliging of him.

CHRISTIE

Yes, Miss Lemon, if they belonged to the murderer. This tassel (showing it to her) must have been torn from a curtain, but it doesn't match anything in here, and the overturned lamp. And that is all I've got.

LEMOM

That's quite a lot. (She takes an envelope from her pocket, already opened, she takes out a note)

CHRISTIE

Yes, but no cartridge case. Strange, don't you think Miss Lemon fired a pistol and a bullet and no cartridge case? (He goes to a table where the telephone is, picks up the receiver, and dials a number) Hello, forensics, who's that? Thompson? I'm Chief Inspector Agatha Christie, special branch, at Poirot's residence, yes, no, not the Frenchie, the Belgie. Yes, the funny bloke, not anymore, I'm afraid. Well, listen to me and stop mumbling. I've just sent you a gun; it may well be the murder weapon, and a wallet for prints, and make it fast. As soon as you get that, check the bullet with the gun. Is that clear? Ok. (Puts the receiver down) What's that in your hand?

LEMON

I found this note on his desk. Listen to this inspector: "Miss Ariadne Oliver regrets that she has to ask Mr Hercule Poirot and Captain Hastings to regard the dinner engagement for Monday the 7th as definitely cancelled." On it, there's a telephone number.

CHRISTIE

(Takes the note from her hand) Ariadne Oliver, the writer, eh, I wonder why she cancelled? (Reads the note) This is odd.

LEMON

What is it?

CHRISTIE

This letter is dated thirteen days ago, while the postmark was yesterday; it's very peculiar indeed. I wonder what she has been doing since it was written. (At the phone and dials) Hello, Miss Adriane Oliver. Chief Inspector Agatha Christie, special branch here, yes, you heard right, miss. I'm very sorry to have interrupted you. There has been an accident regarding one of your friends. Yes, that is right, one of your friends. Mr Hercule Poirot! What? What did you say? Have you never met him? Could you please come to his apartment here so we can talk? Either that or I shall send a police squad to your door. Yes, you must come. Yes, I insist. Come right away, please. Thank you so much. Goodbye. (Puts the receiver down) Funny, Miss Lemon said she had never met Poirot. Obviously, she's lying, but why?

LEMON

You should ask her when she arrives.

CHRISTIE

Miss Lemon, now this door opens into the adjoining flat.

LEMON

Right.

CHRISTIE

I've noticed that the bolt is unlocked on this side. Can you tell me why?

LEMON

Oh, no inspector, no

CHRISTIE

Is the flat occupied now?

LEMON

In a way, yes. You see, Captain Hastings lives there now. He's been living in it for a while, and it's difficult for him to work from here.

CHRISTIE

Yes, I know what you mean. Do you know who else lives in these apartments?

LEMON

I don't know. There are two ladies.

CHRISTIE

How do you know that?

LEMON

Mr. Poirot himself told me.

(Captain Hastings enters the room)

HASTINGS

Hello, Miss Lemon! Where is the old boy?

LEMON

Oh, Captain Hastings, you'll never guess what happened!

CHRISTIE

So you didn't hear?

HASTINGS

Didn't hear what? Who are you anyway?

CHRISTIE

I am chief inspector Agatha Christie of the special branch.

HASTINGS

(Smiling)

Agatha?

CHRISTIE

(Serious)

My mother was very fond of murder stories. What's wrong with that?

HASTINGS

Nothing, nothing at all.

CHRISTIE

I want to ask you a few questions.

HASTINGS

I have a few questions myself. To begin with, what's this all about? I am leaving for America this afternoon, and I haven't got time for games.

CHRISTIE

The police don't play games, Captain Hastings. I have a few questions about your employer.

HASTINGS

Don't tell me the old boy committed a crime himself?

LEMON

No, Captain Hastings, Mr Poirot was very meticulous.

HASTINGS

Was?

CHRISTIE

Yes was. I'm investigating the murder of Hercule Poirot!

HASTINGS

You must be joking. Is Mr Poirot dead? He is joking, isn't he? Miss Lemon

LEMON

No, he's not; I found him this morning dead on that chair. I was utterly shocked. I had to take a quick double brandy to calm myself down.

HASTINGS

I can't believe it. But why, and who?

CHRISTIE

That is why I am here. Why do you think I'm here to play Monopoly?

HASTINGS

No, no, of course not. I mean, oh, I'm so confused. So the old boy is dead. (Realising) I say, Miss Lemon, are we unemployed now?

LEMON

You know, Captain, you have an excellent knack for stating the obvious.

HASTINGS

Hold on, Miss Lemon.

CHRISTIE

I wanted to ask you about an acquaintance of yours, Miss Ariadne Oliver.

HASTINGS

Sorry, I never heard of such a woman.

CHRISTIE

Are you sure?

HASTINGS

I said so, didn't I? Why?

CHRISTIE

As an employer of Poirot, you must have known her and even met her. She was a very good friend of your employer. She even invited you for dinner but then cancelled. Come on, now, tell me the truth.

HASTINGS

Well, I know her, but I did not want to be associated with her. She's pretty mad, you know.

LEMON

Captain Hastings is right. She's barmy.

HASTINGS

I stopped at her apartment a fortnight ago because she wanted to see me about Poirot. She was furious about something.

CHRISTIE

Why was she furious? I presume she told you.

HASTINGS

I asked her! Did she tell me? She was frantic. Poirot refused her point-blank.

CHRISTIE

You mean, you know he refused her.

HASTINGS

No, you got the wrong end of the stick. Sex had nothing to do with it.

LEMON

Sex? Poirot? You must be joking!

HASTINGS

And how would you know?

LEMON

I know that's all.

CHRISTIE

(Irritated) Ok, we established it wasn't sex, then what was it?

HASTING

She wanted to use him in one of her books; I mean, she wanted to write a book with him as her new lead detective. He did not like that, not one bit. He refused and even told her that if she did, he would sue and bankrupt her. She wanted me to persuade him. She knew I was with Poirot most of the time and that I had some influence over him.

LEMON

Now, that is news for me.

CHRISTIE

(Smiling) That's one good motive for killing someone.

HASTINGS

I should think so, too.

CHRISTIE

And you never saw her again after that?

HASTINGS

No, that was the only time I visited her.

CHRISTIE

When did you rent the flat adjoining this one?

HASTINGS

What flat?

CHRISTIE

Oh, come on, Captain. Don't tell me that you're not living in that flat.

HASTING

Why should I tell you?

(Miss LEMON makes gestures to him not to lie)

CHRISTIE

Because Miss Lemon already told me so a few minutes ago.

HASTINGS

Oh, she did, did she now? Well, you should have told me that you knew.

CHRISTIE

So you do live here next door.

HASTINGS

It seems rather obvious.

CHRISTIE

Yes, I'm afraid it does. The whole thing seems rather apparent—inescapable, I should say. Was there a particular reason for you to come and live here?

HASTINGS

(Sits down uncomfortably)

It seemed right at the time. After all, he was very good to me.

LEMON

And to me, too.

CHRISTIE

Why hide the fact that you moved in next door?

LEMON

Yes, why tell us that?

CHRISTIE

Miss Lemon, please let me ask the following questions.

LEMON

(Insulted)

Well, I'm sorry.

CHRISTIE

Yes, Captain, tell us, please? Were you here last night?

HASTINGS

OK, OK. Yes, I was here. I killed Hercule Poirot.

LEMON

(She puts her hand onto her mouth in disbelief, and it has to be quite obvious)

Oh no!

CHRISTIE

(Pleased with himself) I knew it from the start. Do you care to tell me about it? However, you are not compelled to make a statement, but I must warn you that anything you say will be taken down in writing and may be used in evidence.

HASTINGS

What difference does it make?

CHRISTIE

Why did you kill him?

HASTINGS

I wanted to take over. I wanted to be a great detective. Do you know he always mocked me when I investigated things myself? Not publicly, but he constantly ridiculed my suggestions. He used to say that whatever I

He suggested he did the opposite because I always saw the truth upside down.

CHRISTIE

And that was a reason for killing him? Please hand me the cartridge, and then I'll escort you down to the station.

HASTINGS

Cartridge, what cartridge?

CHRISTIE

The bullet cartridge you picked up when you shot him.

HASTINGS

I don't know anything about cartridges inspector.

CHRISTIE

Don't you?

HASTINGS

No, because I never shot him?

CHRISTIE

But you said you had killed him?

(The telephone rings. Christie answers it quickly.) Hello, oh, is she? Ok, thank you, send her up. (Now he's confused) Captain Hastings, I'm afraid I have to stop this interview for a while. Please follow me. I would like you to stay in your flat. Do not try anything; there are police officers everywhere, and you cannot leave without being seen and stopped. (Hastings exists. Turns to Miss Lemon) Miss Lemon, stay here. You may be of some help to me.

LEMON

(Disappointed)

Oh, am I not a suspect, too?

CHRISTIE

(Very confused)

Everybody is a suspect, including myself. Miss Lemon,

(Picks the telephone and dials.)

Thompson, any news yet?

(Angry)

Then be quick about it.

(Slams the receiver back)

(Enters Miss Ariadne Oliver very flamboyantly dressed and flamboyantly talks)

OLIVER

You must be the policeman, I assume.

CHRISTIE

(Doesn't like her attitude) You are Miss Oliver. I am Chief Inspector Agatha Christie.

LEMON

(Sarcastic)

Of the special branch.

CHRISTIE

That's right, and don't forget it. And this is Miss Lemon, secretary of Hercule Poirot.

LEMON

I was the former secretary of the late Mr Hercule Poirot.

OLIVER

Nice to meet you.

LEMON

Likewise, I'm sure.

OLIVER

I would like to know what this is all about, Inspector from the special branch.

CHRISTIE

(Ignores her remark) It is very good of you to come. I hope I did not inconvenience you much, Miss Oliver. Would you like to take a seat?

OLIVER

(Moves and sits)

Thanks!

CHRISTIE

Are you comfortable enough?

OLIVER

(Legs crossed, takes a long cigarette holder and places a cigarette into it) Oh, yes, indeed.

CHRISTIE

Please don't light that cigarette. If I had known what I know now, it wouldn't have been necessary for you to come. What I wanted to ask you is what you know about Mr Hercule Poirot; you see, he's been murdered!

OLIVER

Oh, what a pity, but I've never heard of the man inspector.

CHRISTIE

I'm sure you have some good reason to say that, but we have found this. (Show her the note)

OLIVER

Oh! Where did you get that?

LEMON

It came in the post this morning, but it was written a fortnight ago; I gave it to the inspector.

OLIVER

I don't remember writing this! Well, obviously, I did know the fellow, but anyway, I am very sorry he is dead.

CHRISTIE

So is he!

OLIVER

I did not want to know him anymore anyway. The cheeky thing is that he refused to allow me to write a book with him in the lead, even though I already had the title. So you understand my reluctance to admit that I knew him.

CHRISTIE

Yes, I entirely understand. What was the title of the new book you were going to write?

OLIVER

Murder on the Alexandra Express!

CHRISTIE

It's a good title, especially when the word murder is in it.

LEMON

Well, nothing new there; he once had a case on The Orient Express.

CHRISTIE

So, Miss Oliver, there is nothing you can tell me about him?

OLIVER

I'm afraid not. So, if that is all

(Stands)

LEMON

(The phone rings and she answers it)

Hello, yes. It's for you, inspector.

CHRISTIE

Sit down, please, Miss Oliver.

(Oliver sits. Talks on the phone)

Hello, yes? Are you sure?

(Puts the receiver down)

You haven't been frank with me, Miss Oliver.

OLIVER

(Stands again)

Can I at least smoke this cigarette now?

CHRISTIE

No. Now, please tell me the truth about everything.

OLIVER

All right, you'll be bound to know sooner or later. (Pleading) Are you sure I cannot smoke this? (Inspector shakes his head vigorously) Well, what do you want to know?

CHRISTIE

Everything!

OLIVER

I might admit it.

LEMON

Admit what, Miss?

OLIVER

(Stands up and moves close to Christie)

I killed him!

CHRISTIE

(Confused and stuttering a bit)

Killed who?

OLIVER

I Killed Him.

CHRISTIE

(Utterly confused)

But that's entirely impossible. But. Are you sure? Did you say?

OLIVER

(Sits down in a very flamboyant mood)

Yes, I killed Hercule Poirot.

LEMON

Not you, too?

CHRISTIE

(Perplexed)

Why did you kill him, Miss Oliver?

OLIVER

I never liked the man. He was very pompous, showy, and

flamboyant, not like me, but the opposite.

LEMON

(Sarcastically)

We can see that with our eyes.

OLIVER

Though very clever, he was hardly more than five feet four inches, but carried himself with great dignity. His head was exactly the shape of an egg. His moustache was very stiff and military and ridiculously waxed. The neatness of his attire was almost incredible; a speck of dust would have caused him more pain than his bullet wound. Yet this quaint, dandified little man was once one of the most celebrated members of the Belgian police.

CHRISTIE

But that is not a motive for killing him?

OLIVER

No, of course not. Did you know Poirot was very keen on food? Very serious, indeed.

LEMON

His food?

OLIVER

Yes, he was reaping his reward in his old age. Eating was not only his physical pleasure; it was also an intellectual delight.

CHRISTIE

Please, Miss Oliver, get to the point and tell me why you killed him.

OLIVER

Last night, I came here and waited outside. I waited for a long time. I made sure the apartment block was quiet. I did not want to be disturbed. I had a gun fitted with a silencer. So I went in slowly and climbed the stairs. I did not want to use the lift. It makes deafening sounds at night. I arrived at his door and, fortunately, it wasn't locked. His secretary must have forgotten to lock it behind her. I went in and found him sleeping on his chair there. I pressed my gun onto his shoulders, and he woke up bewildered and called my name. I could see he was scared, and he told me he would gladly permit me to use his name. He was even ready to sign an affidavit right there on the spot. I explained to him that I wanted his help. I was on the edge of bankruptcy because my books weren't doing so well. He said that if I had told him the truth, he would have agreed immediately.

(Stops)

LEMON

But you still shot him?

OLIVER

No, I did not.

CHRISTIE

But you said you killed him?

OLIVER

Yes, I did. But as I was thinking about it, Poirot jumped at me, and as we struggled, the gun went off.

CHRISTIE

An accident? It was quite an extraordinary accident that the bullet landed exactly on his temple.

OLIVER

Yes, I think so. I was amazed myself.

LEMON

I'm utterly confused.

CHRISTIE

You know I have to detain you. Now you follow me to the adjoining flat. Please do not try to leave. We will take you down to the station soon.

(He leads her to the exit, and both of them leave. The telephone starts ringing and continues until Christie enters again and answers it)

Hello, yes, Thompson. I'm listening. Good, good. Is that so? Oh, there was? You're definite. The bullet matches the gun. Oh, I see. And prints? Two, but smudged. I see. OK, thank you.

(Puts receiver down. He looks at his fingers and nails.)

Miss Lemon, please go and get Captain Hastings in here again.

LEMON

Yes, inspector.

(Goes out to fetch Captain Hastings and returns with him)

CHRISTIE

Please sit down, Captain.

HASTINGS

Thank you. (Sits)

CHRISTIE

May I see your hands, please?

(Hastings shows his hands, and Christie inspects them)

And your wrist, please.

(Examines, he finds nothing, pauses a bit)

Do you mind if you loosen your collar?

HASTINGS

What for?

CHRISTIE

Just do as you're told, please.

(Hastings loosens his tie and collar. CHRISTIE inspect thoroughly and finds nothing, and he's annoyed. )

Thank you! I believe you told me that you've killed Hercule Poirot.

HASTINGS

Yes, that's right. But really, I just wanted to scare, so last night I came in late. I don't think he expected me.

CHRISTIE

What time was that?

HASTINGS

It was one o'clock, I guess. I made sure he was alone. I did not want to be disturbed. I had a gun fitted with a silencer. So I went in slowly and found him sleeping on his chair. I pressed my gun onto his shoulders, and he woke up bewildered and called my name. I could see he was scared, so I told him it was about time he retired and handed the business over to me. He agreed, I presume, because he was frightened.

LEMON

But you still shot him?

HASTINGS

No, I did not.

CHRISTIE

But you said you killed him?

HASTINGS

Yes, I did. But he jumped at me, and as we struggled, the gun went off and..…...

LEMON

Another accident?

HASTINGS

What do you mean?

CHRISTIE

Nothing, it's quite an extraordinary accident that the bullet landed exactly on his temple.

HASTINGS

I was amazed myself.

LEMON

I am utterly confused.

CHRISTIE

It so happens I don't believe you, Captain.

HASTINGS

Hold on a bit. Are you calling me a liar?

CHRISTIE

No, I'm not.

LEMON

He doesn't believe everything you told him.

HASTINGS

Why?

CHRISTIE

I just heard from forensics that Poirot might have scratched the killer. They found skin and flesh under his fingernails. Captain, did you notice Poirot's wallet falling on the floor during your struggle?

HASTINGS

No, I saw nothing.

CHRISTIE

Now, please, Miss Lemon, take him to the flat.

HASTINGS

Are you not going to arrest me?

CHRISTIE

You seem very eager to be arrested, Captain.

HASTINGS

I want it over, and I'm done with that.

(He leaves with Miss Lemon and returns immediately)

CHRISTIE

I confounded it all; I've never had two suspects competing before.

(Thinks)

LEMON

However, it makes the case more interesting.

CHRISTIE

I'll get to the bottom of this somehow. You'll see. It may mean more work and more digging. I' 'm not chief inspector for nothing.

LEMON

And of the special branch too.

CHRISTIE

My point exactly.

LEMON

Do you know what your biggest problem is with this case?

CHRISTIE

What?

LEMON

You have too much evidence.

CHRISTIE

Nonsense, Miss Lemon, how can I have too much evidence?

LEMON

Between the captain and Miss Oliver, you have plenty.

CHRISTIE

(Sits down defeated)

It is relatively plentiful, isn't it?

End of ACT ONE